Lead Me

Hello,
It's been a few months since my last blog. Basically because I have had no major insights that I felt worth sharing. However,this past week has been a time of refreshing and reflection.
I usually go about life thinking on things that need completing, my next project, task. Not because I am compulsive or manically organized, but because of the dissapointment I feel in not meeting that deadline. Is it a fear of failing ,of procrastination, of being misrepresented?It's like I am saying "hey people. this is not a true representaion of me. I am better than this, look I am doing this".
I beleive that encouragement came from the Lord in more ways than one this week.
Personally, I abhor carnal christianity. That in itself is an oxymoron. It grieves me to see friends that I use to whole heartedly serve the Lord with,regressing to a life of carnality. YET, the words of the Lord convicted my heart and became very clear to me and I was grieved.
Along the road of life I lost my way.'Which way do I go Lord?,what do you want me to do?"
John 14:6 -I am the way and the truth and the life. 14:9 I have been so long with you,and yet you have not come to know me.
BUT, I just kept plodding along. Making excuses. "Too tired to really talk to you today Lord. You understand I work all day etc etc. I can't make time for this person Lord. Let someone else do it. What do they do all day anyway"? I deserve to kick back. This is MY time.After all didn't you give me this life to enjoy". I can only do what I can do. You understand right Lord?"
I feel like I did my bit and it went South, no more of THAT for me. You know I can't handle it Lord". I 'll only do what I know I can handle".
Corinthians 5:14- For the love of Christ controls us,having concluded this,that one died for all,therefore all died;
15-and he died for all,that they who live should no longer live for themselves, but for him who died and rose again on their behalf.
17-Therefore,if anyman is in Christ,he is a new creation,the old things are passed away; behold new thing have come.
ME="Lord,these are the things I have done with a good heart and in your name.........Listed...."
I am tired and people have grieved me".I have died to myself to numbness I don't want to die anymore.
Having been greived numerous times by people and greiving them in return has caused my heart to harden. Christians in particular,with their lack of grace for me,with their distainful looks,with their lies and high expectations. This journey should have brought me to a place where I became stronger in Christ and more Christlike.Leaning on him to bring healing instead of withdrawing into a more comfortable safe haven called a rutt(or in a lie cloaked) and allowing the monotonies of life to bring more grievance.No peace.
I recently had a couple over for dinner(something that I rarely do anymore). I was mentioning to the wife that I did not know how God could use me while I sit in a corner punching in numbers all day. And she gave me some forethought and with that peace about the situation.It's okay to be wherever you are as long as it is Well With Your Soul.
My son Ben use to have a hard time at school when he was younger.We would pray sometimes before he went to school until one day he said'whats the point,it doesn't work'. He felt like God had let him down and I have felt like that too at times. When my heart was weak from challenges that were ongoing.
Okay I know, I am not in a place where Christains are being martyred. I am in living in a blessed nation. But the devil is real and he is a liar.
Galations 6:7- Do not be decived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows this will he also reap.
8. For the one who sows in his own flesh shall from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows from the Spirit shall from the Spirit reap eternal life.
9. And let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we shall reap if we do not grow weary.

I was encouraged to stop fighting the Spirit and continue fighting the flesh. To stop being a carnal christian. To be renewed in the Spirit.
I could not stop weeping . I repented (again) of my bitter heart.Lead me by your Spirit Lord.

Letters from my mum.

I always have enjoyed receiving letters as apposed to email.I find them much more personal and somehow less offensive (if that makes any sense). In the past few years my mother and I have bee writing regularly more so than in the past.Probabaly because she has more time on her hands now ,being retired but active. I have been blessed to receive many of her beautiful cross stitch patterns over this past year especially. She is extremely gifted in this craft and gets great enjoyment from doing them. She is always happy to express her pride when she receives updates on the stepping stones of her granchildren's acheivements and lives and often ponders on how we got to this stage in our lives, her being 70 and me almost 50.